I feel it again. That feeling of loosing my self of loosing control. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and the harder i try to hang on the harder it spins and the worse it gets.
Even as i sit to write this i am having a passive panic attack... can't breathe.. got the shakes... chest is tight and i just feel alone.. i hate not knowing.. i hate not being able to know that everything is ok for once and i need not worry. I HATE that i have to sit here and wait... and wait.. .and then wait some more to find the answers to the questions in my head- if i get one. And then as i start to think of what the answers will be it gets worse....it's a vicious circle. The answer can go one of two ways... and all i can think of is the negative... i feel so alone like a stranger on the outside trying to look in but never being apart of things. I am trying to listen to music in hopes that it will help to calm this feeling of dread.. of fear and such.
What is that i fear you may ask.... well when one finally finds love.. true love and fears they are loosing it it would cause anyone to panic. I feel like i am loosing him.... we use to hang out almost 24/7..... and now.. now i have not spent more then 20 minuets with him since sunday.. and what i have was me running him around or doing a favor for him. Aye he still says he loves me and that we should spend a few days apart so we don't kill eachother since we have been around 24/7 but he hardly talks to me and if he does it's for something he needs.. a ride... money for cigs...i just.. i feel like he's slipping away. I have had the past two days mostly free to hang and i have spent them alone. I know i know i could be over reacting but there is just.. something in my head that is saying i am not. Something dosen't feel right and i just....i pray that for once i am wrong.. that i am over reacting and stressing from my move.. from work.. from taking care of mom and it;s really nothing that big.. but untill i can talk to him and ask.. " Hey are we ok?... is everything ok?" I shall not know... and i fear this panic attack will worse. If it is the end...i don't think i could take it. i think it would truly break me and yes i know i will rise stronger..but i don't know if i want to rise, i don't know if i can do it...be like the phoenix rising from the ashes.
But.. the oddest thing happens while i sit here and write this thinking back over him and mine many conversations tis not the end.. this is just a pause in the grand scheme of things. I do not think it to be the end...but a chance to change things and make them better . But only time will tell if i am right or not.
