Yes i hear you

** First off.. this is a rant.. something i need to do to clear my mind.. if you disagree with what i say.. or it pisses you off.. then stop reading.. I don't do this to hear what you think i did wrong.. i did this for me.. and only me**


-sighs- I never was the best at these things but no better time then the present to try something new right?... I have be blessed to spend the last few days on what i am calling my " mini Vacation". A old friend of the family asked me to come out and house sit for them and i took it... i never realized how good it would be for me to get away for a few days... to be on my own just me and the dogs/cat/deer. Away from civilization and a phone.....and more or less away from internet.. to be cut off and have time to work on me. I have been doing a lot of work on my self and things that have been bothering me and i had to look at them from a different perspective- mostly i had to take time to look back on the past few months and wow what a eye opener.

First off my " personal" life went to hell in a hand basket- I came home from several months out of state engaged and strung out and just needing a break, but little did i know the break would end up breaking me. Murphys law is more true then i care to admit some times.. that if it can go wrong it will go wrong. I came home.. much in thanks to my dad paying for us the last bit to get home haha and was so wound up from the stress and drama of where i was i didn't even know who i was any more- and many of my friends had told me that. You know something is wrong when your friends that know you longer then most are telling you they don't know who you are any more.. and asking what happened. Now yes.. when a relationship fails usually one person starts to blame it on the other and it's never both party's fault. But i can now say after a lot of thinking.. it was both our faults. I talked my self into thinking everything was ok.. hiding parts of my self to make life easier and trying to put my self in a square whole when we all know i am not a square person. Maybe i didn't communicate enough about what i wanted.. or maybe -pushes her hair from her face- I think i just wanted to be cared for so badly that i convinced my self i was happy and everything is going to work out. Now don't get my wrong... i was happy in the beginning.. but then it was drama after drama and stress after stress.. fighting arguing it would get to the point i would be in tears and i am usually not a very..crying type of person.

And when i came home.. i realised just how out of hand my life had gotten. I came home to try and help my dad as we had some... issues to work out. Dad had been out of a job for some times after being burned out from working and taking care of my grandparents- and once my grandad left us we had my grandmother who we found out had althimzers and it was me and dad against the world. Not a whole like a kid could do but i did the best with what i had and what i could do. But as my friend keeps telling me ( and you know who you are ;) ) You can't help someone who dosen't wanna help them self. Wow.. i hate it when words you hear come back to bit you in the ass ya know?..

SO.. I decided after everything that was going on i had to end my engagement - i had to do it for me and no one else. I was unhappy and stressed out and it was doing more harm then good. And yes i may not have ended it the way a lot of people like.. in person was not goona happen due to being 2,000 miles apart... and i thought about the phone but i realised with everthing that was going on up here i needed to look out for my own well being. So i wrote a letter explaining packed up what few things of his i had and sent it off. Now many of you may call me a coward for not doing it over the phone but i don't care what you think. This is about me.. i did what i thought was best and the best way i knew how to handle it. I wanted to make sure i couldnet get sucked back in like the past- because i realized i had seen this song and dance with someone else and i didn't wanna be that person. I was looking at how things were going and i had to cut and bail for my own sanity and to do what's best for me. It sucks walking away from the first love of your life when you realized you built your whole life around them but i realized i tried to make them my whole world, and they just wanted me to be a part of theirs.

Now am i sorry that it happened? No not really because it's helped to make me the person i am today. A stonger smarter more mature person who know's what she wants and won't settle for second best. I realize with all the things that have been happening with family and friends and life i use to think my self a weaker person but i realize now i'm not. I am a strong individual and i will get through anything life can throw at me with a little bit of humor and the care of my friends and family. that's the funny thing that people tend to over look, we are never truly alone our friends and family are there for us to pick us up and dust us off and push us back out the door and be back on our way.

So yes universe i hear you i hear that you were here to show me how to be a better person to teach me and to help me grow. That you did what you had to in order to help me and as much as i may have not seen it at the time looking back now i just smile at the adventure i got to go on. I may not have gotten the fairy tale ending i wanted but the story's not over yet. So it's time to turn the page and see where the story goes.