Frustration. That's all i seem to feel as of late. For the past few days i have had little sleep due to what is going to be happening on Tuesday. Tuesday is the anniversary of me being raped.... almost 7 years now. I don't like it- i hate that it effects me every time- that no matter what i do i can't keep those feelings at bay and be normal. I hate that due to the past i have...glitches. Things that can set me off or make me twitchy. I hate that no matter what i do those feelings come creeping up on me when i least expect it and there are times that i just want to run screaming. When i feel like the walls are closing in on me. Thanks to the memories i have as of late with the memories i have it seems that i am re living things over again. Every time i close me eyes it comes back. The day after graduation.... sitting at a park trying to enjoy being an adult... Drinking and laughing.. then realizing something is wrong. Wanting to move but for some reason un able to. To have to sit there and watch what is happening to you with no way to stop it. you try to tell your body to move to react to do SOMETHING and yet... nothing. So your forced to watch like a movie as one of the most.. horrid things happen to you- Someone takes something from you. And when it happens they take more then just your virginity ( or at least in my case) They take part of your soul... no matter what happens after that you feel broken..bruised.

You feel as if your not good enough for anyone- as if it was all your fault and nothing you can do will change that.  You start to feel that people are only with you out of pity, or becasue they want one thing from you. You feel as if no one really wants to be with YOU... they want to be with your body.. or with what you can do for them. You feel hollow.. empty. A former shell of the person you use to be. And every times it comes up on the Anniversy that's exactly how i feel. Like a hollow person- a broken bruised casted to the side no one would want person. That hollow empty feeling where you just wanna sit in your room and cry- becasue maybe if you cry hard enough you can keep the memories at bay.

OR worse yet feeling undesired. That's what i think is the worst feeling of all.  The feeling that no one finds you physically attractive. I mean yea guyes are attracted to girls cuz we have boobs.. duh.. but i mean the kind of attraction where the person your with is proud to show you off... like they can't keep there hands off of you. Like your the most..percious thing to them... or that your the hottest thing to them- insted of feeling like the only reason they are with you is out of pitty- There with you becasue they feel sorry for you or intill they find something better.  and i HATE that.. I hate that due to one fucking thing i have all these thoughts and feeling going on in my head and nothing i can do to change it. I keep waiting for it to happen even now. I am with one of hte most amazing people ever... and he makes me so happy but i keep waiting and wondering. Is he with me cuz of me?.. Or because it's convenient?..  Are there other girls like last time that i just don't know about or am i really the only one?...Does he really find me attractive or am i just around because he wants somone to warm the bed with .. ( NOTE!* I know this is not true for we have talked but it's still thoughts that have come across my head*)  No matter what i do i can't keep these feelings like this and it always happens the week prior to the 15...It stars off slow and just gets worse and worse till i don't want to be around people. I just wanna curl up in my bed with my covers pulled over my head.   The only good side is this year unlike last i won't be doing it alone. I'll be around people that i care for and that care for me- who are thankfully understanding of my situation and now that sometimes i can't explain why i do what i do.. it's all fractions from the past.  But thankfully now i know it's not my fault.. and that's what i always feared. That it was my fault that it happened to me...and i believed it so hard i didn't tell anyone for years till i finally broke down. And one of my best friends.. hell practically a sister who is studying psychology sat down with me and made me realize it's not my fault.. and started to help me get over these feelings. I just hope.. no i pray that one day i won't think like this.. that i won't want to cry or have nightmares of the night so bad i walk from a sound sleep.. that i keep seeing his face when i go out or hearing his voice in my sleep. That maybe one day.. one day i will be able to put it behind me and know it made me who i am..  I Define it... not it defining me.

I will beat this- why? Because i have people who love me and becasue i am a survivor... I am a Fighter. And i will not let this break me down any more