Panic attack!! woo..oo... yea not so much

Ok boys and girls time for another rant... and why? Because i have had one of the worst few weeks and thus has now triggered a panic attack. I am tired of feeling that no matter what i do i seem to piss someone off.  It has gotten to the point that i am debating not saying a damn thing cuz if i do it's just gonna cause a fight drama or something else. I HATE fighting i had to sit and watch my brother and dad do it just about every day for years and i can't take it any more. I'd rather just keep  it all inside. At least then life  may be a bit..better.

I'v been fighting with the ones i love almost all week and no matter what i do i seem to piss people off. I can't win- i have the same arguments over and over again and it's like going up hill...as soon as you start to get ground you get knocked back to the bottom and after a while you don't wanna try any more. Me and mom have been having issues becasue we are trying to get a two bed room apartment but have to have the deposit before we can apply- so it'll be the middle of june before we can apply.  This was upseting me becasue i was feeling as if i was not doing enough and was talking about possibly picking up a second job. Now the reason for this is that on the application they ask questions like have you ever filed for bankruptcy or do you have any out standing debt. Mom applied for bankruptcy like six years ago and due to her two heart attacks and open heart surgery we have about 200,000 in debt.  And i know as it sits i do not make enough money for them to clear us. They are gonna do a credit check and i know i would pass but mom is worried about her. And right now as i don't make enough for them to have confidence that we would make it i was going to get a second job becasue a year living on a couch can get tiring. And i told mom as much as i love her  i didn't know how much longer i could take it because i am tired of not being able to keep the place as clean as she wants becasue two people in a one bed room you run out of room quick. This upset mom as she felt like she couldn't provide for her child and caused her emotional distress and i had to tell her that's not it at all. I have a roof over my head a place to sleep and food i'm ok really...but i would like my own room where i can put MY stuff out.. not have to feel like i am imposing on mom- becasue that's what i feel like i have been doing.

 ATOP of this i went to get my truck worked on. The driver side door decided to stop working so i took it down to have a friend fix it... and we did! Huzza i got a working door! ONLY TO FIND OUT i now have been leaking transmission fluid and i need to get it fixed.. which if anyone of you have ever had to have this done know it's not CHEEP. Depending on how bad it is depends on if they have to replace the whole line or if they can just cut the part out and soder a new piece in, but this is causing me distress becasue i don't have the money.. and i NEED a car to get to work. It's not like i can have mom take me due to i work diffrent hours then here and no one else around here has the time or a vehicle to take me to and from work till i got the money for it ( side some days i work at 6 30 and i don't want to ask anyone to get up that early) Atop of this it;s far enough away i can't like walk else i would.  And it's just frustrating... seems as soon as something good starts to happen it gets ripped away by a shit storm of fucked up.  I'm starting to feel like i am the bad guy all the time and i don't like feeling like that.. I feel like i should just hide out in my room and keep to my self cuz there would be no drama and no fighting. Hell i am starting to feel like the odd one out when i do hang out with cearting people. I feel like..well how do i explain this?..

You ever sit next to someone and feel like your MILES apart even though they are RIGHT next to you?.. Or that you are a inconvience to people for what ever reason? That no matter what you do you can't do anything right? It just pisses people off.. upsets them and then your getting into arguments and fighting all the time and you get tired of it. So you just try to stay on your side of the room and out of everyone else's way.  Yep that would be me....it's like i am being sucked back into Georgia.. that feeling of being the black sheep and no matter how you try to fit in you will ALWAYS be the black sheep...but i guess i should be use to it... But then again this could just be that panic attacks always do this to me. Bring up all the insecurities i have and make me feel...useless...unwanted... like i am a burden to everyone. I just hope this passes soon so i can going back to how it use to be..

Frustration. That's all i seem to feel as of late. For the past few days i have had little sleep due to what is going to be happening on Tuesday. Tuesday is the anniversary of me being raped.... almost 7 years now. I don't like it- i hate that it effects me every time- that no matter what i do i can't keep those feelings at bay and be normal. I hate that due to the past i have...glitches. Things that can set me off or make me twitchy. I hate that no matter what i do those feelings come creeping up on me when i least expect it and there are times that i just want to run screaming. When i feel like the walls are closing in on me. Thanks to the memories i have as of late with the memories i have it seems that i am re living things over again. Every time i close me eyes it comes back. The day after graduation.... sitting at a park trying to enjoy being an adult... Drinking and laughing.. then realizing something is wrong. Wanting to move but for some reason un able to. To have to sit there and watch what is happening to you with no way to stop it. you try to tell your body to move to react to do SOMETHING and yet... nothing. So your forced to watch like a movie as one of the most.. horrid things happen to you- Someone takes something from you. And when it happens they take more then just your virginity ( or at least in my case) They take part of your soul... no matter what happens after that you feel broken..bruised.

You feel as if your not good enough for anyone- as if it was all your fault and nothing you can do will change that.  You start to feel that people are only with you out of pity, or becasue they want one thing from you. You feel as if no one really wants to be with YOU... they want to be with your body.. or with what you can do for them. You feel hollow.. empty. A former shell of the person you use to be. And every times it comes up on the Anniversy that's exactly how i feel. Like a hollow person- a broken bruised casted to the side no one would want person. That hollow empty feeling where you just wanna sit in your room and cry- becasue maybe if you cry hard enough you can keep the memories at bay.

OR worse yet feeling undesired. That's what i think is the worst feeling of all.  The feeling that no one finds you physically attractive. I mean yea guyes are attracted to girls cuz we have boobs.. duh.. but i mean the kind of attraction where the person your with is proud to show you off... like they can't keep there hands off of you. Like your the most..percious thing to them... or that your the hottest thing to them- insted of feeling like the only reason they are with you is out of pitty- There with you becasue they feel sorry for you or intill they find something better.  and i HATE that.. I hate that due to one fucking thing i have all these thoughts and feeling going on in my head and nothing i can do to change it. I keep waiting for it to happen even now. I am with one of hte most amazing people ever... and he makes me so happy but i keep waiting and wondering. Is he with me cuz of me?.. Or because it's convenient?..  Are there other girls like last time that i just don't know about or am i really the only one?...Does he really find me attractive or am i just around because he wants somone to warm the bed with .. ( NOTE!* I know this is not true for we have talked but it's still thoughts that have come across my head*)  No matter what i do i can't keep these feelings like this and it always happens the week prior to the 15...It stars off slow and just gets worse and worse till i don't want to be around people. I just wanna curl up in my bed with my covers pulled over my head.   The only good side is this year unlike last i won't be doing it alone. I'll be around people that i care for and that care for me- who are thankfully understanding of my situation and now that sometimes i can't explain why i do what i do.. it's all fractions from the past.  But thankfully now i know it's not my fault.. and that's what i always feared. That it was my fault that it happened to me...and i believed it so hard i didn't tell anyone for years till i finally broke down. And one of my best friends.. hell practically a sister who is studying psychology sat down with me and made me realize it's not my fault.. and started to help me get over these feelings. I just hope.. no i pray that one day i won't think like this.. that i won't want to cry or have nightmares of the night so bad i walk from a sound sleep.. that i keep seeing his face when i go out or hearing his voice in my sleep. That maybe one day.. one day i will be able to put it behind me and know it made me who i am..  I Define it... not it defining me.

I will beat this- why? Because i have people who love me and becasue i am a survivor... I am a Fighter. And i will not let this break me down any more