Ok boys and girls time for another rant... and why? Because i have had one of the worst few weeks and thus has now triggered a panic attack. I am tired of feeling that no matter what i do i seem to piss someone off. It has gotten to the point that i am debating not saying a damn thing cuz if i do it's just gonna cause a fight drama or something else. I HATE fighting i had to sit and watch my brother and dad do it just about every day for years and i can't take it any more. I'd rather just keep it all inside. At least then life may be a bit..better.
I'v been fighting with the ones i love almost all week and no matter what i do i seem to piss people off. I can't win- i have the same arguments over and over again and it's like going up hill...as soon as you start to get ground you get knocked back to the bottom and after a while you don't wanna try any more. Me and mom have been having issues becasue we are trying to get a two bed room apartment but have to have the deposit before we can apply- so it'll be the middle of june before we can apply. This was upseting me becasue i was feeling as if i was not doing enough and was talking about possibly picking up a second job. Now the reason for this is that on the application they ask questions like have you ever filed for bankruptcy or do you have any out standing debt. Mom applied for bankruptcy like six years ago and due to her two heart attacks and open heart surgery we have about 200,000 in debt. And i know as it sits i do not make enough money for them to clear us. They are gonna do a credit check and i know i would pass but mom is worried about her. And right now as i don't make enough for them to have confidence that we would make it i was going to get a second job becasue a year living on a couch can get tiring. And i told mom as much as i love her i didn't know how much longer i could take it because i am tired of not being able to keep the place as clean as she wants becasue two people in a one bed room you run out of room quick. This upset mom as she felt like she couldn't provide for her child and caused her emotional distress and i had to tell her that's not it at all. I have a roof over my head a place to sleep and food i'm ok really...but i would like my own room where i can put MY stuff out.. not have to feel like i am imposing on mom- becasue that's what i feel like i have been doing.
ATOP of this i went to get my truck worked on. The driver side door decided to stop working so i took it down to have a friend fix it... and we did! Huzza i got a working door! ONLY TO FIND OUT i now have been leaking transmission fluid and i need to get it fixed.. which if anyone of you have ever had to have this done know it's not CHEEP. Depending on how bad it is depends on if they have to replace the whole line or if they can just cut the part out and soder a new piece in, but this is causing me distress becasue i don't have the money.. and i NEED a car to get to work. It's not like i can have mom take me due to i work diffrent hours then here and no one else around here has the time or a vehicle to take me to and from work till i got the money for it ( side some days i work at 6 30 and i don't want to ask anyone to get up that early) Atop of this it;s far enough away i can't like walk else i would. And it's just frustrating... seems as soon as something good starts to happen it gets ripped away by a shit storm of fucked up. I'm starting to feel like i am the bad guy all the time and i don't like feeling like that.. I feel like i should just hide out in my room and keep to my self cuz there would be no drama and no fighting. Hell i am starting to feel like the odd one out when i do hang out with cearting people. I feel like..well how do i explain this?..
You ever sit next to someone and feel like your MILES apart even though they are RIGHT next to you?.. Or that you are a inconvience to people for what ever reason? That no matter what you do you can't do anything right? It just pisses people off.. upsets them and then your getting into arguments and fighting all the time and you get tired of it. So you just try to stay on your side of the room and out of everyone else's way. Yep that would be me....it's like i am being sucked back into Georgia.. that feeling of being the black sheep and no matter how you try to fit in you will ALWAYS be the black sheep...but i guess i should be use to it... But then again this could just be that panic attacks always do this to me. Bring up all the insecurities i have and make me feel...useless...unwanted... like i am a burden to everyone. I just hope this passes soon so i can going back to how it use to be..
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