Back through time.

So wow it's been a while since i have posted things..like well over a year... and don't i feel like a ass. I have had so my going on i have been unable to write..or talk..to really  LIVE other then from day to day. Between moving living getting engaged getting ready to move again starting a full time job, and other things.. i just.. wow a lot has happened and i find my self at a ends on where to really start.

I know i need to write more, i use to write all the time. Yes i know i am not gramitcally correct but you know what i got my words out i got the fellings out and i stated to feel better. I  don't want to be perfect.. that's just not me and those that know me know how my mind works.

I have so much going on even know i just....i feel trapped like  a prisoner in my life.. part of me wants to break out run away and start over again. Fuck it's georgia all over again.... i told my self i would not go back to that hell and yet some how that's just how i am.... mother fuck....Well time to put a boot to somones ass and start changing

I'm goona break. I can't take it

I have been under so much freaking stress as of late it's a wonder i sleep at all. We just got moved into the two bedroom across the hall.  And it seems that day everything has gone to fucking shit. I was let go of my work for the last two weeks of work which is just.. horrid! Summer was already FUCKING Me over with my god damn hours and now they gave me none for the last two weeks.  This month i was suppose to pay mom 200 for rent.. tag my car pay off NFM But i can't do a damn thing of it becasue well i'm fucking BROKE.. Like beyond broke it's not even funny kinda thing. I have half a tank of gas and i have no idea how that is going to last till the 5. We'll it's not but i HATE asking to borrow money from people i do.. never been a fan of it but i don't know what else to do. I need to get to work i get a FULL paycheck on the 5 and can do what  i need to but i need to get through to it. I'm stressing out so bad i am not sleeping more then like three hours a night.. it's killing me and i am thins close to breaking down crying. I have no idea what i am to do but i am trying everything. I am selling books i don't need.. i figure any money is better then no money and seeing what i can do for help to raise money.. odd jobs or something. *Bangs head on the wall*  If i can JUST get through this month... i'll be ok. Really i will.

Thoughts... or what i can make of them.

I feel it again. That feeling of loosing my self of loosing control. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and the harder i try to hang on the harder it spins and the worse it gets. 

Even as i sit to write this i am having a passive panic attack... can't breathe.. got the shakes... chest is tight and i just feel alone.. i hate not knowing.. i hate not being able to know that everything is ok for once and i need not worry. I HATE that i have to sit here and wait... and wait.. .and then wait some more to find the answers to the questions in my head- if i get one. And then as i start to think of what the answers will be it gets worse....it's a vicious circle.  The answer can go one of two ways... and all i can think of is the negative... i feel so alone like a stranger on the outside trying to look in but never being apart of things.  I am trying to listen to music in hopes that it will help to calm this feeling of dread.. of fear and such.

What is that i fear you may ask.... well when one finally finds love.. true love and fears they are loosing it it would cause anyone to panic. I feel like i am loosing him.... we use to hang out almost 24/7..... and now.. now i have not spent more then 20 minuets with him since sunday.. and what i have was me running him around or doing a favor for him. Aye he still says he loves me and that we should spend a few days apart so we don't kill eachother since we have been around 24/7 but he hardly talks to me and if he does it's for something he needs.. a ride... money for cigs...i just.. i feel like he's slipping away. I have had the past two days mostly free to hang and i have spent them alone. I know i know i could be over reacting but there is just.. something in my head that is saying i am not. Something dosen't feel right and i just....i pray that for once i am wrong.. that i am over reacting and stressing from my move.. from work.. from taking care of mom and it;s really nothing that big.. but untill i can talk to him and ask.. " Hey are we ok?... is everything ok?" I shall not know... and  i fear this panic attack will worse. If it is the end...i don't think i could take it. i think it would truly break me and yes i know i will rise stronger..but i don't know if i want to rise, i don't know if i can do it...be like the phoenix rising from the ashes. 

But.. the oddest thing happens while i sit here and write this thinking back over him and mine many conversations tis not the end.. this is just a pause in the grand scheme of things. I do not think it to be the end...but a chance to change things and make them better . But only time will tell if i am right or not.

Panic attack!! woo..oo... yea not so much

Ok boys and girls time for another rant... and why? Because i have had one of the worst few weeks and thus has now triggered a panic attack. I am tired of feeling that no matter what i do i seem to piss someone off.  It has gotten to the point that i am debating not saying a damn thing cuz if i do it's just gonna cause a fight drama or something else. I HATE fighting i had to sit and watch my brother and dad do it just about every day for years and i can't take it any more. I'd rather just keep  it all inside. At least then life  may be a bit..better.

I'v been fighting with the ones i love almost all week and no matter what i do i seem to piss people off. I can't win- i have the same arguments over and over again and it's like going up hill...as soon as you start to get ground you get knocked back to the bottom and after a while you don't wanna try any more. Me and mom have been having issues becasue we are trying to get a two bed room apartment but have to have the deposit before we can apply- so it'll be the middle of june before we can apply.  This was upseting me becasue i was feeling as if i was not doing enough and was talking about possibly picking up a second job. Now the reason for this is that on the application they ask questions like have you ever filed for bankruptcy or do you have any out standing debt. Mom applied for bankruptcy like six years ago and due to her two heart attacks and open heart surgery we have about 200,000 in debt.  And i know as it sits i do not make enough money for them to clear us. They are gonna do a credit check and i know i would pass but mom is worried about her. And right now as i don't make enough for them to have confidence that we would make it i was going to get a second job becasue a year living on a couch can get tiring. And i told mom as much as i love her  i didn't know how much longer i could take it because i am tired of not being able to keep the place as clean as she wants becasue two people in a one bed room you run out of room quick. This upset mom as she felt like she couldn't provide for her child and caused her emotional distress and i had to tell her that's not it at all. I have a roof over my head a place to sleep and food i'm ok really...but i would like my own room where i can put MY stuff out.. not have to feel like i am imposing on mom- becasue that's what i feel like i have been doing.

 ATOP of this i went to get my truck worked on. The driver side door decided to stop working so i took it down to have a friend fix it... and we did! Huzza i got a working door! ONLY TO FIND OUT i now have been leaking transmission fluid and i need to get it fixed.. which if anyone of you have ever had to have this done know it's not CHEEP. Depending on how bad it is depends on if they have to replace the whole line or if they can just cut the part out and soder a new piece in, but this is causing me distress becasue i don't have the money.. and i NEED a car to get to work. It's not like i can have mom take me due to i work diffrent hours then here and no one else around here has the time or a vehicle to take me to and from work till i got the money for it ( side some days i work at 6 30 and i don't want to ask anyone to get up that early) Atop of this it;s far enough away i can't like walk else i would.  And it's just frustrating... seems as soon as something good starts to happen it gets ripped away by a shit storm of fucked up.  I'm starting to feel like i am the bad guy all the time and i don't like feeling like that.. I feel like i should just hide out in my room and keep to my self cuz there would be no drama and no fighting. Hell i am starting to feel like the odd one out when i do hang out with cearting people. I feel like..well how do i explain this?..

You ever sit next to someone and feel like your MILES apart even though they are RIGHT next to you?.. Or that you are a inconvience to people for what ever reason? That no matter what you do you can't do anything right? It just pisses people off.. upsets them and then your getting into arguments and fighting all the time and you get tired of it. So you just try to stay on your side of the room and out of everyone else's way.  Yep that would be me....it's like i am being sucked back into Georgia.. that feeling of being the black sheep and no matter how you try to fit in you will ALWAYS be the black sheep...but i guess i should be use to it... But then again this could just be that panic attacks always do this to me. Bring up all the insecurities i have and make me feel...useless...unwanted... like i am a burden to everyone. I just hope this passes soon so i can going back to how it use to be..

Frustration. That's all i seem to feel as of late. For the past few days i have had little sleep due to what is going to be happening on Tuesday. Tuesday is the anniversary of me being raped.... almost 7 years now. I don't like it- i hate that it effects me every time- that no matter what i do i can't keep those feelings at bay and be normal. I hate that due to the past i have...glitches. Things that can set me off or make me twitchy. I hate that no matter what i do those feelings come creeping up on me when i least expect it and there are times that i just want to run screaming. When i feel like the walls are closing in on me. Thanks to the memories i have as of late with the memories i have it seems that i am re living things over again. Every time i close me eyes it comes back. The day after graduation.... sitting at a park trying to enjoy being an adult... Drinking and laughing.. then realizing something is wrong. Wanting to move but for some reason un able to. To have to sit there and watch what is happening to you with no way to stop it. you try to tell your body to move to react to do SOMETHING and yet... nothing. So your forced to watch like a movie as one of the most.. horrid things happen to you- Someone takes something from you. And when it happens they take more then just your virginity ( or at least in my case) They take part of your soul... no matter what happens after that you feel broken..bruised.

You feel as if your not good enough for anyone- as if it was all your fault and nothing you can do will change that.  You start to feel that people are only with you out of pity, or becasue they want one thing from you. You feel as if no one really wants to be with YOU... they want to be with your body.. or with what you can do for them. You feel hollow.. empty. A former shell of the person you use to be. And every times it comes up on the Anniversy that's exactly how i feel. Like a hollow person- a broken bruised casted to the side no one would want person. That hollow empty feeling where you just wanna sit in your room and cry- becasue maybe if you cry hard enough you can keep the memories at bay.

OR worse yet feeling undesired. That's what i think is the worst feeling of all.  The feeling that no one finds you physically attractive. I mean yea guyes are attracted to girls cuz we have boobs.. duh.. but i mean the kind of attraction where the person your with is proud to show you off... like they can't keep there hands off of you. Like your the most..percious thing to them... or that your the hottest thing to them- insted of feeling like the only reason they are with you is out of pitty- There with you becasue they feel sorry for you or intill they find something better.  and i HATE that.. I hate that due to one fucking thing i have all these thoughts and feeling going on in my head and nothing i can do to change it. I keep waiting for it to happen even now. I am with one of hte most amazing people ever... and he makes me so happy but i keep waiting and wondering. Is he with me cuz of me?.. Or because it's convenient?..  Are there other girls like last time that i just don't know about or am i really the only one?...Does he really find me attractive or am i just around because he wants somone to warm the bed with .. ( NOTE!* I know this is not true for we have talked but it's still thoughts that have come across my head*)  No matter what i do i can't keep these feelings like this and it always happens the week prior to the 15...It stars off slow and just gets worse and worse till i don't want to be around people. I just wanna curl up in my bed with my covers pulled over my head.   The only good side is this year unlike last i won't be doing it alone. I'll be around people that i care for and that care for me- who are thankfully understanding of my situation and now that sometimes i can't explain why i do what i do.. it's all fractions from the past.  But thankfully now i know it's not my fault.. and that's what i always feared. That it was my fault that it happened to me...and i believed it so hard i didn't tell anyone for years till i finally broke down. And one of my best friends.. hell practically a sister who is studying psychology sat down with me and made me realize it's not my fault.. and started to help me get over these feelings. I just hope.. no i pray that one day i won't think like this.. that i won't want to cry or have nightmares of the night so bad i walk from a sound sleep.. that i keep seeing his face when i go out or hearing his voice in my sleep. That maybe one day.. one day i will be able to put it behind me and know it made me who i am..  I Define it... not it defining me.

I will beat this- why? Because i have people who love me and becasue i am a survivor... I am a Fighter. And i will not let this break me down any more

Yes i hear you

** First off.. this is a rant.. something i need to do to clear my mind.. if you disagree with what i say.. or it pisses you off.. then stop reading.. I don't do this to hear what you think i did wrong.. i did this for me.. and only me**


-sighs- I never was the best at these things but no better time then the present to try something new right?... I have be blessed to spend the last few days on what i am calling my " mini Vacation". A old friend of the family asked me to come out and house sit for them and i took it... i never realized how good it would be for me to get away for a few days... to be on my own just me and the dogs/cat/deer. Away from civilization and a phone.....and more or less away from internet.. to be cut off and have time to work on me. I have been doing a lot of work on my self and things that have been bothering me and i had to look at them from a different perspective- mostly i had to take time to look back on the past few months and wow what a eye opener.

First off my " personal" life went to hell in a hand basket- I came home from several months out of state engaged and strung out and just needing a break, but little did i know the break would end up breaking me. Murphys law is more true then i care to admit some times.. that if it can go wrong it will go wrong. I came home.. much in thanks to my dad paying for us the last bit to get home haha and was so wound up from the stress and drama of where i was i didn't even know who i was any more- and many of my friends had told me that. You know something is wrong when your friends that know you longer then most are telling you they don't know who you are any more.. and asking what happened. Now yes.. when a relationship fails usually one person starts to blame it on the other and it's never both party's fault. But i can now say after a lot of thinking.. it was both our faults. I talked my self into thinking everything was ok.. hiding parts of my self to make life easier and trying to put my self in a square whole when we all know i am not a square person. Maybe i didn't communicate enough about what i wanted.. or maybe -pushes her hair from her face- I think i just wanted to be cared for so badly that i convinced my self i was happy and everything is going to work out. Now don't get my wrong... i was happy in the beginning.. but then it was drama after drama and stress after stress.. fighting arguing it would get to the point i would be in tears and i am usually not a very..crying type of person.

And when i came home.. i realised just how out of hand my life had gotten. I came home to try and help my dad as we had some... issues to work out. Dad had been out of a job for some times after being burned out from working and taking care of my grandparents- and once my grandad left us we had my grandmother who we found out had althimzers and it was me and dad against the world. Not a whole like a kid could do but i did the best with what i had and what i could do. But as my friend keeps telling me ( and you know who you are ;) ) You can't help someone who dosen't wanna help them self. Wow.. i hate it when words you hear come back to bit you in the ass ya know?..

SO.. I decided after everything that was going on i had to end my engagement - i had to do it for me and no one else. I was unhappy and stressed out and it was doing more harm then good. And yes i may not have ended it the way a lot of people like.. in person was not goona happen due to being 2,000 miles apart... and i thought about the phone but i realised with everthing that was going on up here i needed to look out for my own well being. So i wrote a letter explaining packed up what few things of his i had and sent it off. Now many of you may call me a coward for not doing it over the phone but i don't care what you think. This is about me.. i did what i thought was best and the best way i knew how to handle it. I wanted to make sure i couldnet get sucked back in like the past- because i realized i had seen this song and dance with someone else and i didn't wanna be that person. I was looking at how things were going and i had to cut and bail for my own sanity and to do what's best for me. It sucks walking away from the first love of your life when you realized you built your whole life around them but i realized i tried to make them my whole world, and they just wanted me to be a part of theirs.

Now am i sorry that it happened? No not really because it's helped to make me the person i am today. A stonger smarter more mature person who know's what she wants and won't settle for second best. I realize with all the things that have been happening with family and friends and life i use to think my self a weaker person but i realize now i'm not. I am a strong individual and i will get through anything life can throw at me with a little bit of humor and the care of my friends and family. that's the funny thing that people tend to over look, we are never truly alone our friends and family are there for us to pick us up and dust us off and push us back out the door and be back on our way.

So yes universe i hear you i hear that you were here to show me how to be a better person to teach me and to help me grow. That you did what you had to in order to help me and as much as i may have not seen it at the time looking back now i just smile at the adventure i got to go on. I may not have gotten the fairy tale ending i wanted but the story's not over yet. So it's time to turn the page and see where the story goes.

Creature of the night

Creature of the night
take me away
Make this pain stop
Make it all go away

Take my breath away
Make my lungs stop
and my Heart beat it's last

I can't stand the light
Oh creature of the night
take me away

I don't want to feel
Make my body num
So i can feel nothing
talk me into the night
away from the light
that causes so much pain
and shows the scars

Creature of the night
make me like you
hiding from the pain
safe in the dark

Kill my body
make my blood run cold
The heart beats slower
As my last breath leaves
the light fading the darkness is coming
to take me away
away from the light
and into the night